


A Supposedly Fun Thing We'll Never Do Again

by polynya



Category: Bleach
Genre: Dating, F/F, F/M, Friendship, Waffle House, disaster people, self-care, terrible ideas, whole lotta bisexuals in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 18:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18762178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polynya/pseuds/polynya
Summary: Renji sets Rukia up with Momo, so she sets him up with Nanao. Because that's the sort of thing best friends do when they are totally not into each other.





	A Supposedly Fun Thing We'll Never Do Again

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during the timeskip. Defies ship tags, it is what it is. There's some kissing, but that's as racy as it gets.
> 
> T rating for language. 
> 
> I apologize for nothing.

“I am starting a new phase of my life,” Momo announced, “and I wanted you two to be the first to hear about it.”

Renji and Izuru looked at each other sideways.

“Tell us everything,” Izuru finally said, smiling.

Momo probably ought to have taken a cheerful Izuru as a sign that maybe she was being humored, but she plowed forth anyway. “I am going to start dating again.”

Renji made an involuntary, high-pitched noise in his throat.

Izuru’s eye twitched.

Momo leaned forward, and said, in a conspiratorial voice. “But only women.”

Renji managed to turn the noise into an “Ohhhhhhhhh. That's...cool.”

“Have you… dated a woman before?” Izuru asked.

“No, but I am Giving It A Try,” Momo went on.

“Have you dated _anyone_ before?” Renji asked.

“I had that boyfriend back at the Academy! You remember him!”

Renji did not.

Neither did Izuru.

“It was short-lived,” Momo excused, wagging her hand at the wrist. She couldn’t actually remember his name.

“So, do you, uh, have someone in mind?” Renji asked, leaning one elbow on the table.

Momo frowned. “I don’t really. I’m trying to decide what my type is. Anyway, that’s part of why I wanted to tell you two!”

This time, Renji and Izuru turned to look each other in the face. Finding only blank stares, they looked back at her.

“Well, you’ve both dated women, right?”

Izuru steepled his fingers. “Momo. You’re still recovering, and remember that Captain Unohana said--”

Momo waved her hands again. “I didn’t forget! I know you’re strictly dickly now, but you had a few girlfriends back in Squad 5.”

“Disasters, all,” Izuru he replied dryly.

Renji, meanwhile, was wracking his brain, trying to recall if any of his relationships with members of the opposite sex could rightly be classified as “dating.” He decided that would be generous, at best. He had a marginally better batting average with his own gender, but the overall picture still wasn't pretty.

“I think I speak for both of us in that we are very bad role models in that respect,” Izuru went on.

“I agree,” Renji nodded, eager to elide his own romantic experiences.

Momo narrowed her eyes at Renji. “I know you had a slutty phase when you were in Squad 11, Abarai.”

“You did?” Izuru asked, a good enough friend to at least pretend to be shocked.

“Bad. Role. Model,” Renji repeated, his voice a little frantic.

“Anyway,” Momo went on. “If you have any ideas, let me know.”

“It’s too bad Lieutenant Kotetsu is taken, you’d be really cute together, with the height difference,” Izuru offered.

“Is it cute when one person is really tall and the other is really small?” Renji asked, honestly perplexed.

They stared at him.

“It’s _adorable_ ,” Momo informed him.

Renji rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. “You should ask out Rukia.”

Izuru choked on his drink, and Renji had to slap him on the back a few times until he got his breath back.

Momo searched Renji’s face, looking for some sign of self-awareness, and came up empty. “Aren’t you… um… I always thought…” She couldn’t say it. It’s not like Renji had been _subtle_ over the years about his ever-present, all-consuming crush on Kuchiki. On the other hand, he and Rukia were back together and had been practically joined at the hip for close to a year now. It was a minor miracle Momo had gotten him to come out without her tagging along. If nothing had happened between them… maybe there was a reason. “Does she like girls?” she asked. “ _Like_ like?”

Renji shrugged. “She's equal opportunity.”

Izuru just looked horrified, and was having trouble making his mouth form words.

“Why do you think I should ask her out?” Momo asked, probing a little deeper.

Renji took his time refilling his sake saucer. “I mean. _You’re_ my friend. And _she’s_ my friend.” He took a drink. “She never goes out with anyone. I think it would do her good.”

Izuru managed to find his tongue. “She is the only daughter of one of the Great Four Families! You can’t just go out with her!”

“Oh, I know this one,” Renji offered. “I mean, as long as you don’t wanna marry her or anything, she’s allowed to have Discreet Romantic Relationships, meanin’, what Captain Kuchiki doesn’t know can’t hurt him.”

 _Then why aren’t_ you _dating her_? Izuru wanted to ask, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Maybe they’d tried it, and it hadn’t worked? Maybe she’d rejected his advances?

“Hmmm,” Momo said, tapping her finger on her chin. To be honest, she found Kuchiki _very_ cute, if somewhat ill-tempered. “You are her best friend. Do you think you could put in a good word for me?”

 _Are you two mad_? Izuru wanted to scream, looking from one of them to the other.

“Sure,” Renji agreed.

Izuru downed more sake.

 

* * *

 

“So…” Renji said casually, shoving half a rice ball into his mouth. “Whatcha doin’ on Saturday?”

Rukia finished chewing her own bite of tangerine before answering. “Brother got us tickets to a performance of _Matsukaze_ , but he told me this morning that he has to go admire pheasants with one of the Kyourakus or something like that. I’m trying to decide if it’s worth finding someone else to go with, or just give up on it.”

“That’s, uh, noh?” Renji guessed.

Rukia regarded him skeptically. “I’m not taking you, you wouldn’t appreciate it.”

“Huh? No, too artsy for me. You should ask Momo.”

Rukia blinked. She’d been expecting him to try to talk her out of it in favor of some form of alcohol-soaked hijinks. She’d been half hoping he would. “Lieutenant _Hinamori_ Momo?”

“Yeah. Is it one of the ones with, like, insane lady ghosts?”

“ _Oh, yeah_.”

“Momo would love that.”

Rukia was quite familiar with Renji’s lies. He was a good liar, actually, but somehow, he was terrible at lying to _her._ And if he wasn’t lying now, he wasn’t telling the truth, either. “What are you up to?”

“I just think you two would have a good time together. Momo loves getting dressed up and doing fancy stuff, and she’s pretty cute, y’know and--”

“You mean, like a date?!” Rukia yelped.

Renji looked sheepish. “The fact is, _she_ thinks _you’re_ pretty cute, if you get my drift.”

Rukia frowned at him. “Abarai Renji. Are you trying to convince me that she put you up to this?”

Renji shrugged and stuffed the other half of his rice ball in his mouth. Rukia continued to glare at him.

“C’mon, Rukia. You’ve been wound too tight ever since you got promoted. A little romancin’ would be good for you.”

Rukia looked at him out of the corner of her eye, trying to gauge his motives. She certainly wouldn’t mind a little romancin’, although there was really only one possibility she had been seriously considering recently. “Like you’re one to talk! When’s the last time you went on a date?” she accused.

“I’m not answerin’ that, except to say, that’s no reason for you t’ _not_ go on one.”

Rukia took a bite of her tangerine and chewed slowly. Looked like her possibility wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe it was time she broadened her horizons. “She’s probably pretty discreet, right?”

“Mmm.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Hook, line, and sinker, Renji thought.

 

* * *

 

“What did you get for the total?”

Rukia finished carrying the two. “53,483?”

“Perfect!” Nanao proclaimed, closing her account book.

Rukia breathed out a sigh of relief. She was grateful for the mentoring, but she always felt a little nervous around Squad 8’s lieutenant. Nanao was so efficient and put-together, the Platonic ideal of an adjutant.

“Any other paperwork questions this week?”

“To be honest… no. I think I’m getting the hang of this.” Rukia smiled weakly. “Would you like a cup of tea? I think they’re going to be a while.” It was Wednesday afternoon blotto time for their captains.

Nanao glanced at the time. “We can let them go a little longer. Tea would be nice.”

Rukia’s brain flailed for small talk as she busied herself with tea things. Nanao always seemed so business-like. Did she have interests? Hobbies?

“Do you follow the Soul Society Football League?” Nanao asked casually.

“Huh?” Rukia’s brain suddenly overbalanced and fell off the high beam.

“I’ve seen you at some of the Gotei-13 Futsal League games,” Nanao went on. “I didn’t know if you liked regular football as well.”

“Ah-ha,” Rukia laughed nervously. “I actually just go to see Renji play.”

Nanao nodded thoughtfully. “I don’t blame you. He’s probably the best player in the league.”

“You told me once he had nice legs,” Rukia replied, the slightest hint of accusation in her voice.

“These things are not mutually exclusive,” Nanao shrugged. “Anyway, the Seireitei Firebirds are playing the District 1 Sea Serpents this weekend, and I’m trying to find someone to go with me.”

An evil thought entered Rukia’s head. It would serve him right. “I have plans this weekend, but I bet Renji would like to go.”

Nanao frowned. “Don’t your plans usually involve him?”

“Not this time. And he was just telling me today how long it’s been since he was on a date.”

“Oh, no, it wouldn’t be like a date.” Nanao pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Well, I guess it could be.” Her cheeks colored a little. “I doubt I’m the sort of girl he usually goes for.”

“You might be surprised,” Rukia singsonged as she brought over a teacup. “Look, I’ll ask him and let you know, okay?”

Nanao accepted the cup gratefully. “Well, thank you, Rukia. To be honest, I had always assumed that…”

Rukia stared at her.

“You know. You. And he.”

Rukia kept staring at her.

Nanao couldn’t say it. “Just make sure he’s a Firebirds fan, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

 

* * *

 

“I’m in,” Rukia announced, slamming open the door to Squad 6’s training dojo.

Renji whipped around at the sound, and promptly took a bokken to the back of the head.

“Point Otsuko!” crowed the officer he had been trying to tutor.

Rukia cringed. “Sorry.”

“Sokay,” Renji managed. “My head. Is. Very hard.” He shook it briefly, possibly trying to knock his brain back to its rightful place. “Good job, Otsuko. As you know, hitting the back of the head is the essence of Hollow hunting. Now get out of here.”

Otsuko scrammed.

“Now… what was that?” Renji asked, walking around, gathering up discarded practice swords and protective gear.

“I’m gonna ask Hinamori out,” Rukia proclaimed.

“Oh,” Renji replied. “Great.” Somehow, this seemed like less of a good idea now that Rukia was actually enthusiastic about it. Or maybe it was just the blow to the head.

“And, so you don’t get lonely without me, I got you a date for Saturday night, too.”

He had bent down to pick up a stray mitt, and two swords fell out of his arms. “Wait, what?”

“You like the Seireitei Firebirds, right?”

“The football team? Yeah, of course I do.”

“You wanna go see them play the Sea Serpents this weekend?”

“ _Yes_ ,” he replied, eyes going wide.

“Good, because Lieutenant Ise has tickets and I told her you would go with her.”

Renji dropped more sparring gear. “Ise _Nanao_?”

“Of the Eighth Division, yes.” Rukia fluttered her eyelashes. “You have a problem with that?”

“She’s _way_ out of my league!”

Rukia raised one eyebrow. Did he have a league? Rukia didn’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to go out with him. He was the lieutenant of one of the most respected squads, he was a war hero, and she grudgingly admitted, he was kind of a hunk. “What are you talking about? I’ve seen you flirting with her.”

“Just as a joke! Rukia, she’s noble! Also, she’s _really_ smart, and she knows, like, a ton of kidou, which, well, you know.”

Rukia shrugged. “It’s a football game. She likes football. You like football.”

Renji stuffed some equipment on a shelf. “I dunno, Rukia. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a date.”

“Yeah, and it’ll be even longer if you don’t go on this one.” Rukia started following him around and picking up things he was dropping. “C’mon. You said it would be good for me, why do you think so?”

Renji shrugged and refused to make eye contact. “Because you work too hard, and you deserve to be smooched once in a while,” he mumbled.

“See? Those are great reasons. And as it happens, you _also_ work too hard and _also_ deserved to be smooched once in a while.”

“I _guess_ ,” he grudgingly admitted.

“Good, it’s settled. Now come on. I need your help.”

 

* * *

 

Rukia and Renji poked their heads through the main entrance of the Fifth Division. Sure enough, as usual, its illustrious captain was sitting in a reclining lawn chair in the central courtyard, listening to some sort of atonal, beep-boopy music. He was wearing a floral-patterned romper and sunglasses, even though it was nighttime.

"Can't I just text her and ask her to come out?" Renji pleaded. "I could even just text her and ask her if she wants to go out with you."

"A Kuchiki handles these matters personally," Rukia intoned in her best Byakuya voice. "I'll owe you one."

"You already owe me, like, a thousand ones."

"Then I'll owe you one more. Go!" She shoved him through the gate.

Shinji lifted his shades at the sound of Renji's sandals clattering on the flagstones. "Good evening...hrmm…" he wagged an index finger thoughtfully. "I definitely know your name, Momo's Friend."

"It's Lieutenant Abarai. Of the Sixth."

"Banjo, right?"

"It's Renji, actually. Abarai Renji. Lieutenant Abarai, preferably."

"What brings you to the Fifth on a schoolnight, Banjo? Momo's busy studying for her chemistry final."

"I…had a question for you?" Renji asked hesitantly.

"Is it about being a Visored?"

"No."

"Is it about Aizen?"

"No."

"Is it about Urahara?"

"Kind of, but it's also about upside-down things."

"Lay it on me, son!"

"So, when I was staying with Urahara in the World of the Living--"

"You had to stay at his place? Yikes, I am so sorry, pal."

"Well, it wasn't all bad, because one time he was mixing drinks, and he made this thing that was red on the bottom and orange on the top….?"

Shinji gasped dramatically. "You came here, into my own Division barracks, to ask me how to make a Tequila Sunrise, on this, the anniversary of my birth?"

"Happy...birthday?" Renji offered.

"It's not actually my birthday," Shinji waved a hand. "And there's nothing _inverted_ about it, it's just layers of alcohol, you cretin. You fool. Fortunately for you, Hanzo, I _love_ Tequila Sunrises, and this is the perfect weather for making them, so I will overlook your ignorance. Let's go to my quarters!"

 

* * *

 

It was a beautiful early summer evening, and Momo had left the window open while she did a little calligraphy practice.

"Hey."

Momo looked up, and startled to see Kuchiki Rukia leaning in her window. "Oh! Um, hi, Lieutenant Kuchiki!" Rukia wasn't really a close enough friend for her to drop by like this. Renji hadn't actually _said_ something to her, had he? "Do you want to come in?"

"No need," Rukia said casually. "And it’s Rukia, please. I was just passing through--"

"Passing through the middle of the Fifth Division barracks?"

Rukia ignored this. "--and I remembered there was something I wanted to ask you. You like theater, right?"

"I do! I was in a production of Double Suicide this past spring!"

"Yeah, I went to one of your performances, actually." Renji had made her go with him for moral support. They had gotten _quite_ drunk beforehand. “You were really something.”

"Thank you! Are you interested in acting yourself?"

"Noooo," Rukia drew out. "Uh, actually, I meant _going to_ the theater. I have an extra ticket to _Matsukaze_ on Saturday--"

Momo gasped. "At the Theater of Pure Souls?"

"Yeah, and I thought maybe you would want to go."

"Oh, Rukia, that's too generous, I couldn't possibly--"

Rukia scoffed. "I already have the ticket. If you don't go, it'll be an empty seat."

"Oh-okay," Momo stammered. "Gee, thanks, Rukia, for thinking of me."

"I thought it might be nice to get to know each other better," Rukia went on...suggestively? Momo couldn’t quite tell.

"So, would this be, like, a date?" she ventured.

"Yes. A date," Rukia agreed.

"Okay," Momo agreed, feeling her cheeks flush. "I would like that."

"Cool," Rukia replied, flashing her a Chad-style thumbs up. "I'll pick you up at 6."

"Let’s meet outside the front gate," Momo suggested. "My captain likes to hang out in the main courtyard and, uh… its for the best." Her brows creased. "I'm kind of surprised you didn't run into him, it's Outdoor Avant Garde Jazz Wednesday."

Rukia shrugged. "Lucky break, I guess. Hey, I gotta run. See you Saturday. You should dress up, by the way."

"I know," Momo assured her.

"Okay, good! Cool! Uh, bye!"

Momo smiled as Kuchiki disappeared with a nonchalant wave. She looked down at her calligraphy practice, where she had written "Today was a good day" in bold, confident strokes. She suspected she owed Renji a thank you note.

Ten minutes later, her captain's voice echoed down the hallway that separated their quarters. "Hey, Momo, I'm makin' fruity drinks with that weird, tall friend of yours. You want in?"

"Yes, please!" Momo called, quickly cleaning her brush. "I'll be right over!"

Make that _two_ thank you notes.

 

* * *

 

Renji frowned at his reflection in the mirror. He took off the yellow-tinted aviators and tried on the wrap-arounds again. Maybe he had dismissed the wayfarers too readily. His phone buzzed, and he grabbed for it.

Text from Rukia. “U home?”

He stuck the aviators on top of his head, and texted back “Yeah, why?”

There was an immediate pounding on his door. Renji sighed, and went to go let her in. “I keep telling you,” he shouted, “spell out the word ‘you’, it’s embarrass--” The word stuck in his throat as he slid the door open. “Whoa.”

Rukia wore a lovely furisode of very fine blue silk. It had been intricately dyed to create the impression of water and was painted with cranes, each one unique. Her hair was curled into two twisted buns on either side of her head, each held in place with a kanzashi in the shape of an origami crane. Expertly applied makeup made her already large eyes look positively doe-like, and he couldn’t even look at her lips, red and twisted in… horror?

“What are you _wearing_?” Rukia gasped.

Renji tried to regain his composure, and leaned against the doorframe casually. “Apparently, due in no small part to your boy Kurosaki, Living World fashion is all the rage in the upper districts. I am told this is what one wears to a professional football game.” He crossed on leg over the other. “Don’t complain, it’s the same reason that waffle place you like opened up.”

Rukia gawped. She had been to the Living World. _This_ was above and beyond. Renji wore a pair of slim-cut jeans, one knee artfully blown out, over the black motorcycle boots he usually wore in the Living World. His Firebirds t-shirt was at least one size too small and had the neck ripped out, for some reason? He had rolled the sleeves up, just a little, at the bottom. Why would he have done that? All it did was make his biceps look bigger, and maybe show off his tattoos. He was wearing a baseball cap, backwards, over a bandana, and had his hair braided to accommodate the hat. And had she seen him in those leather wrist cuffs before? Rukia’s eyes snapped to his face. “Are you wearing two pairs of sunglasses on purpose?” she demanded.

“Huh? Oh, no.” He pulled the pair off the top of his head. “Whaddya think? Wraps?” He swapped them out. “Or aviators?”

“Aviators,” she replied immediately. “Do you have any that aren’t yellow?”

“Why would I wear two pairs of sunglasses on purpose?” he asked, ignoring her request for slightly more tasteful shades.

“Because you look like an absolute idiot,” she informed him. “You look like you’d give a bag of hammers a run for its money.”

“But in a hot way, right?

Rukia cleared her throat. “Come again?”

“I mean, that was kind of the idea. Look. Babe. Women do not go out with me for my appreciation of fine literature. They go out with me because I am ripped, I am inked, I respect women, and I am dumb as hell.”

“You are _not_ dumb as hell. And did you just call me ‘babe’?”

“It’s _part of it._  And, I will have you know, I’m can be _very_ stupid when I put my mind to it.”

“You are better than this, Abarai Renji!” she hissed.

He tipped his sunglasses down and regarded her over the rims. “Are you saying you are not finding all of this… compelling? Babe?” And then, he _smiled_ at her.

All of the moisture in Rukia’s mouth and throat promptly went somewhere else. Her stomach tied itself in a knot and took her heart with it. She wanted to shove him back into his room and have her way with him, right there on that hideous couch of his. She opened her mouth, then closed it again.

He shoved his sunglasses back into position. “That’s what I thought. Why are you here, anyway? Don’t you have a date to be on?”

“I wanted to know if I looked okay,” she muttered.

“You look gorgeous,” he replied simply, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. He bent his knees a little, so he could see her face a little better. “Wait.” He reached out, and tousled her hair slightly.

“What are you doing?!” she yelped. “That took my maid an hour!”

The one strand of hair that she could never keep out of her face popped out of its bun, and took up residence in it usual position, right between her eyes.

“Perfect,” Renji appraised. “Go pick up Momo. She’s not even gonna wanna go see that play.”

“Well, you go and tell Ise all about that book you read last week. The fat one with the bird on the cover. She won’t be able to resist you.”

“I hope not. Go, go, go! And be good to Momo, or I’ll have to beat you up!”

“Okay, okay! Text me when you get home!”

“Yeah, same!” He leaned back on the doorframe again, enjoying watching her dash off in her fancy sandals. Momo owed him another fruity drink for this.

 

* * *

 

Momo tried to walk very, very quietly, but it was hard in these shoes. She gave up worrying about it and slipped them off. If she could just make it past this corner…

 _Shit_.

“You look _fancy_ ,” Captain Hirako announced. He was sitting out on the balcony, dangling his legs through the railing.

Momo sighed.

“Where ya going?”

“To a play,” she frowned.

He made a face. “You’re not still doing _community theater_ , are you?”

“I am,” she replied, “but tonight I’m going to the Theater of Pure Souls for noh.”

“That _is_ fancy!” he exclaimed. “That place is usually crawling with nobles.”

“Well, a noble friend invited me,” Momo replied off-handedly. She knew she was an awful liar, so she tried to stick to merely omitting information. She did not realize that she was also awful at omitting information.

Shinji raised one eyebrow. “Is it Kira? I like Kira.”

“It is not.”

“Is it… a _handsome_ noble friend?”

“It’s Kuchiki Rukia, if you must know!” Momo snapped, a bit harsher than she intended. She actually liked her new captain quite a bit, he was just...nosy. “She’s a friend of a friend and she had an extra ticket.”

“The friend being that broseph from 6 that was here the other day?”

“Why do always pretend like you can’t remember his name?”

“Yeah, Ranma, whatever.” Shinji replied. “Kuchiki Rukia was my first love, you know.”

“You know I don’t like it when you say that,” Momo frowned. “You told me _I_ was your first love.”

He grinned his shark’s grin, and glided to his feet. “I’m very sorry. Here, can I…?” His hand hovered over her hair.

“Are they falling out again? Yes, please. I think my hair is too short for them.”

He snagged the kanzaki out of her hair, and with a little twist of his wrist, secured her hair tighter than she herself had been able to manage. “The trick is--”

“To start them upside-down, yes, I know. I should go.”

“You should. Kuchiki’s been standing outside our gates for 10 minutes, wearing about two years’ salary worth of silk.”

“Captain!” Momo squeaked. “Why didn’t you _say_ something!”

As she scampered off, trying to put her shoes back on while running, Shinji plopped back down on the balcony again, slipping his legs through the banisters. It sure was going to be nice weather this evening.

 

* * *

 

Nanao was waiting outside the gates of the 8th Division barracks when Renji sauntered up.

Holy smokes, he thought.

The usually formal lieutenant was wearing a pair of tight, high-waisted jeans, the ankles cuffed, with low top sneakers and no socks. She had also ripped out the neck out of her Firebirds t-shirt, exposing quite a bit of collarbone, and one bra strap. Her usually impeccable hair was loosely tied in a sloppy ponytail. Her winged eyeliner game was on par with Yumichika’s.

“Hey,” he greeted.

She very obviously looked him up and down, and then pushed herself off the wall. “Way to turn up, Abarai,” she acknowledged.

“You’re not so bad-lookin’ yourself,” he replied.

“Well,” she said, starting to walk. “Here’s to aristocratic captains that stay off-barracks on weekends, eh?”

Renji laughed nervously, catching up to her. He had not even _contemplated_ being caught by Captain Kuchiki in this get-up.

“You go to games often?” she asked casually.

Renji rubbed the back of his neck. “My first time, actually. I usually just watch them at the bar.”

“You’re a Rukon boy, aren’t you?” she asked, teasingly. “Why do you cheer for the city team?”

“My home district’s too poor to have a team. A real team anyway. They got some mean street ball going on down there.” He shrugged. “Ain’t got much love for my home district, to be honest. The Seireitei’s home, now.”

“How long have you lived here?”

Renji did some quick math. “Going on 50 years.”

Nanao raised an eyebrow. “You know you’re going out with an older woman, right?”

“That a problem?” he asked, innocently.

“Not with me,” she replied. “Why, exactly, _are_ you going out with me?”

Renji stretched, and crossed his arms behind his head. Nanao caught a glimpse of his abs as his t-shirt rode up. “‘Cuz I like football and I can tell a hell of a lady when I see one.”

“Rukia didn’t put you up to this?”

“Well.. I mean, she talked me into it. I was a little nervous.”

“Nervous?” she snorted.

“I mean, let’s get real, you’re kinda slumming here.”

To Nanao’s utter delight, his cheeks had turned slightly pink. He wished he’d taken Rukia’s advice and worn darker sunglasses. “How about I be the judge of that,” she suggested.

 

* * *

 

“Hi, I’m sorry I’m late!” Hinomori babbled, slipping out the Fifth Division’s front gate. “Whoa.”

Momo hadn’t actually spent all that much time with Kuchiki Rukia, but her impression was that she was quiet and surly and also sort of rude. She was also prone to taking on ridiculous bar bets and climbing onto any nearby tall objects.

Tonight, Rukia looked like she was practically the head of Kuchiki family herself. Rukia smiled when she caught sight of her date. At the sight of that smile, Momo suddenly understood Renji a whole lot better.

“I’m sorry,” she gasped. “I’m not formal enough, am I?” It’s not as if there was something else she could have done-- she was wearing her best kimono, pink silk, patterned with plum blossoms.

“You look lovely,” Rukia replied, as though anyone within a mile of herself could rightly be called that.

“You look amazing,” Momo managed.

“I overdressed, I think,” Rukia sighed. “Sorry about that. I’m used to going to these things with Brother, and it’s impossible to be overdressed next to him.”

“Do you still want to go?” Momo asked, her voice small.

Rukia looked surprised. “Of course I do! It’s not a big deal.” In a profoundly inelegant gesture, Rukia threw up one arm and shook her sleeve down her arm until her hand appeared out of the yards of silk. She grabbed Momo’s hand. “Let’s go.”   

 

* * *

 

Renji and Nanao waited in the slow moving entrance line to the stadium.

“I’m actually glad they traded Abe,” Nanao opined. “He’s had too many injuries, and anymore, draws too many penalties compared to his conversion rate.”

“I think some older fans might disagree with you,” Renji replied mildly.

“I’ve been following this club for 62 years, I _am_ an older fan,” she replied.

“Yer opinion sucks, though,” a low voice grumbled behind.

Nanao rolled her eyes, but Renji’s head whipped around.

A group of burly Firebirds fans were behind them, grinning and looking generally belligerent.

“You got something to say to us?” Renji asked, his voice low and very calm.

Two of the men looked at each other and laughed at some private joke. “Only that Abe Ozora is a hero, and your little lady there doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“Maybe _you_ don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” Renji replied, his voice steadily rising in volume.

"You wanna take this around back, pretty boy?"

"I do not! I have been standing in this line for a long time and I don’t want to lose my place!" Sometimes tone of voice was more important than the actual content of your message.

"A lotta big talk over there, don't see much backing it up!"

"I don't gotta back it up, my beautiful lady here is the Assistant Captain of the Eighth Division of the Gotei-13, and even if her opinions are garbage, she is more than capable of beating your asses with or without my help!"

Renji really hoped that Nanao was glowing. He turned around. Sure enough, reiatsu was curling off her like steam and her glasses glinted opaquely. He turned back to the bros, wearing his best shit-eating grin.

"Uh, begging your pardon, ma'am."

"We're all big supporters of the Gotei, thank you for your service!"

"Enjoy the game, ma'am, go Firebirds!"

Renji turned back to Nanao, who was adjusting her glasses.

“That was a lot of effort to defend, what I will admit, was a pretty spicy take,” she observed.

"Was it?" he asked. "I thought shouting at other people was one of the major reasons to go to one of these things."

"Don't you get enough shouting at work?"

Renji considered this. "I really like shouting."

She clapped him on the shoulder. "You do you, big guy."

 

* * *

 

“This is the worst part,” Rukia whispered to Momo. “They don’t let us in until right before the play starts, so we have to mingle with all the Awfuls.”

“Mingling?” Momo echoed helplessly.

“Ah, Lady Kuchiki, how lovely to see you this evening!” an older gentleman greeted her.

“Good evening, Lord Taniguchi,” Rukia replied, with an air of aloof boredom.

“Will your esteemed brother be in attendance this evening?”

“Alas, he is indisposed,” Rukia replied.

“Too bad. I shall have to content myself with chatting with you and--who is your lovely companion, Lady Kuchiki?”

Rukia nodded toward Momo. “This is Lieutenant Hinamori Momo, Assistant Captain of the Fifth Division of the Gotei-13. Momo, this is Lord Taniguchi, a cousin of mine.” Momo was pretty sure that Lord Taniguchi should have gotten a more elaborate introduction, but presumably Rukia was the etiquette expert here.

“Ah, I… would not have guessed,” Lord Taniguchi replied.

Rukia’s eyes narrowed.

“Fifth Division....Fifth Division… that would be the company where the Traitor Ai--”

“Terrible, isn’t it!” Rukia interrupted. “Fortunately, Lieutenant Hinamori has a long history in that division, and has been instrumental in the rebuilding.”

Hinamori felt her cheeks go pink.

“I hear a new captain has been appointed? What do you think of him, Ms. Hinamori? He’s some sort of creature, is he not?”

" _Lieutenant_ Hinamori,” Rukia corrected.

“He is a brave man with a long service record, who has been ill-used by Soul Society,” Hinamori replied in a clipped tone. “We are lucky he was willing to return.”

Rukia’s eyebrows shot up, and her eyes shone delightedly. “And there is _such_ a shortage of captain-potential officers,” Rukia sighed. “Your own son is in my brother’s division, is he not?”

“He holds the Sixth Seat,” Taniguchi replied, proudly.

“Seventh,” Rukia corrected.

Taniguchi chuckled. “I think I would know.”

Rukia’s lips curled into a smile that wouldn’t have looked out of place on a large, predatory cat. “I heard the Eight Seat challenged him this week and won. Perhaps, he just hasn’t had an opportunity to update you.”

Taniguchi’s mouth thinned into a line.

“Oh, look, there’s Lady Uedo, I simply must say hello!” Rukia trilled, grabbing Hinamori’s hand, and hauling her through the crowd.

“That was amazing!” Momo gasped.

“Huh?” Rukia grunted.

“He was so rude to you, and you just devastated him! How did you know that?”

“Oh, Renji keeps me up-to-date on all the Sixth Division gossip. It comes in handy for these things.” Rukia stopped pushing her way through the crowd. “Look, I was going to suggest we go hide out in the extremely posh ladies’ room, but if you want to help me piss off some more old rich people, I'm here for it.”

“It was kinda sexy,” Momo admitted, keeping her voice low.

Rukia grinned and cracked her knuckles.

 

* * *

 

“You want a sausage? Renji asked. “I'll get you a sausage.”

Nanao contemplated this. “Sure, why not?”

“How many do you want?”

She blinked. “One should do it. For the decade probably.”  She frowned at him. “How many do you usually get?”

“I usually get two, but then Rukia eats one of them.”

Nanao wouldn't have pegged Rukia for the kind of girl that ordered lightly and then cadged her friend's food, she seemed more-- “Wait. And how many does Rukia get?”

“Oh, four or five, depending on if she's already eaten. Rukia's big on sausages.”

Nanao squeezed her eyes shut. “Counting the one from you?”

“No, not counting that one.” Renji scratched the back of his neck. “You're a cheap date. You wanna beer, too?”

“Yes,” said Nanao. “Yes, please.”

 

* * *

 

"So, I was gonna take you over to the White Orchid," Rukia explained, as they exited the theater. Momo sucked in a breath. That was the most expensive restaurant in town. "But it's so formal, and I'd rather do something fun with you."

Momo would have loved to go to the White Orchid, but the look in Rukia's eyes was making her stomach do flip-flops. She felt like she would have done just about anything if she thought it would make Rukia like her.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Weeeellll," Rukia drawled, "there's something I've always wanted to do after one of these things, while I'm still all dolled up, but Brother would never in a million years go for it."

"I'm game," Momo offered with a nervous grin.

"All right!" Rukia grinned. She grabbed Momo's hand once again, and they were off.

 

* * *

 

"So, what did you think of Watimoko Mamoru's latest novel?" Nanao asked casually, during the between-period lull.

"Huh? Gosh, I don't read highbrow stuff like that."

Nanao arched on eyebrow. "Then _why,_  pray tell, when I asked Momo if I could read her copy, she said she didn't have one, she'd borrowed it from _you_?"

Renji wrinkled his nose. Busted. "I didn't like it very much, I thought it was too autobiographical. Do you want to borrow it?"

"Oh, I bought my own copy. And isn't that why people read Wakimoto?"

"I guess. I dunno, by the end, I was just kinda sick of him. He spent two hundred pages basically complaining about how no one at the parties he goes to has read his books. Go fight a Menos, my guy, get some perspective."

Nanao laughed out loud. "Oh, you're not wrong. So, what are you reading now?"

Renji rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I've been workin' my way through Kuchiki Souta's Lessons of a City at War, on and off for maybe eight months now, and I am back on my bullshit, as Rukia would say, since the poor woman has to suffer through my recaps. I’m up to Volume III, Part 2."

Nanao made a horrified face. "The whole thing? Front to back? Goodness, _why_?"

"Captain Kuchiki once made a very cutting remark about my not having read it, so I decided to show _him_ who reads the oldest, dustiest books. Sometimes, I try to drop quotes from it into casual conversation.” Renji frowned thoughtfully. “I don't think he's noticed yet."

"That is an awful lot of effort for some intraoffice passive-aggression."

Renji shrugged. "Maybe it was at first, but it turns out there's a reason it's still being published after 800 years. Once you get past the old-school language, this guy was the real deal. We still run Squad 6 based on the model he developed. His description of the Battle for the 79th Bridge is raw as hell." Renji crossed his arms. "More shinigami should write books, in my opinion."

Nanao regarded him skeptically. “Did Rukia tell you?”

“Did Rukia tell me what?”

Nanao squinted at him for a moment, then finally relented. “That I’m working on a book.”

“Oh!” Renji exclaimed. Then, he said those words that everyone who has ever started writing a book hopes that someone will say to them: “Tell me all about it!”

 

* * *

 

The bars were still open, so the line at the yakitori stand was much shorter than it would be later. The atmosphere was convivial and Rukia was shouting cheerfully rude things to the drunks in line behind them.

And then some drunks were shouting at them. Drunks they knew. "Hey! HEY! Is that Kuchiki? And...and Hinamori?" Hinamori covered her face with her hands as a trio of familiar faces broke off from a larger clot of rambunctious shinigami.

"What're you doing outside of a bar at this hour, Madarame?" Rukia yelled back.

"This place is between the bar we were just at, and the bar we are going to," Squad 11's moderately inebriated Third Seat informed her. "Iba here gets real giggly if he doesn’t eat enough while he's boozin'."

Iba's reply was extremely foul, but his mouth was full of chicken, so fortunately, it was also extremely incomprehensible.

"Where's, y'know? Tattooed guy who stole my bandana?"

"Momo and I were out being classy," Rukia shrugged. "He's at a football game, or something."

"UGH, why don't we ever go out classy?" Yumichika complained loudly. "You two are serving looks, by the way. That kimono is a good color for your highlights, Mo."

"Thanks," Momo mumbled.

"What're you complaining about? They're in the same place we are," Iba pointed out.

"Anyway," Ikkaku continued, still stuck on the last conversation, "tell 'im I haven't punched him in the face in a while, he should come fight me."

"I'm not his social secretary,” Rukia retorted, “and I'll fight you!"

"Like, right now?" Ikkaku asked hopefully.

"You moron, if you got her gorgeous kimono dirty, I'd kill you myself," Yumichika rolled his eyes, and started to steer Ikkaku back towards their group. "Besides, it looks like Kuchiki has better things to do with her evening."

Rukia looked back at Momo, her eyes hooded and flirty. "That's true enough."

Right in front of these idiots! Momo felt like her face was about to catch on fire.

"Have a nice evening, ladies," Iba waved. "You both look real good, by the way."

Ikkaku made the hand sign for "call me."

Rukia flipped him off.

 

* * *

 

“I’m sorry the game was crummy,” Renji sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets, as they headed home.

“Well, a day spent watching a crummy game is still a day spent watching football,” Nanao shrugged philosophically. “And a day spent with a friend.”

“We should have drank more.”

“Agreed.”

Renji glanced down at her out of the corner of his eye. He towered over her, just as he towered over everyone, but it wasn’t as downright ridiculous as with some people. Nanao had a lot of confidence, which he liked. She was brilliant, and she had automatically treated him like he was smart and worth talking to, which few people did, even when he wasn’t dressed like an utter moron. She was beautiful, in a well-planned and flawlessly executed sort of way.

She would never makes bets with people she had just met at a bar regarding how many shrimp crackers she could fit in her mouth.

She would never get her hand stuck in a priceless Kuchiki heirloom vase.

She would never replace all the coffee mugs in his office with novelty ones from the World of the Living.

He would be a complete fool if he didn't try to go for this.

"I don't s'pose you'd like to...go out again sometime."

She looked up at him, eyes twinkling. "Oh, Abarai," she sighed indulgently. "There's a reason I don't date much." She told him the reason.

"Oh," said Renji. "Wow. That's, um, rough."

She laughed. "I make do. I have good friends, and good books, and a whole section of my phone contacts labeled 'sex idiots.' "

"Oh," Renji said again. What a way to live. Then again, he had set the whole of his heart aside for someone whom he couldn't bring himself to tell that it was hers for the taking. Was there really much difference? "How do you get on the 'sex idiot' list?"

Nanao laughed again. He really liked her laugh. "If you'd asked me before today, you probably would have been a shoo-in, but now I know what a cinnamon roll you are. If I put you on that list, I'll be getting sad love letters and soft mixtapes inside of two weeks."

"That's very unkind, and possibly also fair," he lamented.

He realized she was checking him out again. "You did go all out, though, and you have a nice butt. You wanna go back to my place and mess around? Just this once?"

"Yes, please," Renji replied.

 

* * *

 

Rukia had found a bench near a pleasantly gurgling fountain, where they were cheerfully digging into their paper trays of yakitori. Momo had about fifty napkins spread over her lap, trying to keep from getting grease on her kimono. Rukia watched her out of the corner of her eye. Momo was absolutely not her type. Rukia’s type consisted of loud-mouthed goons who shouted all the time and leapt without looking and forgot to comb their hair. Momo was thoughtful and careful and particular. And sweet. And nice. She was like a bird that you wanted to coax into sitting on your finger. Rukia wasn’t very good at sitting still and being quiet. Momo made her want to try, though.

Momo looked out of the corner of _her_ eye at this strange tornado of a person with whom she had spent her evening. Rukia seemed entirely unconcerned about getting grease on her gorgeous furisode, and yet had somehow remained spotless.

"You seem different tonight," Momo observed. "Than you usually do."

"Well," Rukia confessed. "I guess I never thought you liked me very much. Renji says I clam up around people when I worry too much that they don't like me. I was flattered that you wanted to go out with me." She gave a shy little smile.

Momo's heart lurched. She had spent four hours with Rukia, and could understand why people would storm the Seireitei for her. She was a riptide, a force of nature. It could be very much fun, she thought, to dive into Rukia's rushing current and be dragged along in her wake.

And she absolutely could not allow it. She'd spent years devoting herself to someone who didn't deserve it, someone who had eroded her down to nothing. She needed to stand for herself. She needed someone to nurture and support her, not sweep her away. She sighed. It was a big sigh.

"What's wrong?" Rukia asked.

"I've made some bad choices in the past," Momo admitted. "And I'm trying to be really careful with myself and make good choices."

Rukia's nose wrinkled. It was adorably rabbit-like. "I'm not a good choice, am I?"

"Not for me," Momo replied miserably. "You're kind of a lot, Rukia. And that's great for an oak tree like Renji, but I'm more like...like a blade of grass. Something that blows over easily. And I'm sad, because I think you're really great, and I know I'm turning down something good."

Rukia put on a brave smile. "You know, I really respect that. I know I'm not for everyone, and that's why most of my close friends are real weirdos. But you shouldn't sell yourself short. If I were my brother, I could probably recite a haiku for you about how the cherry blossom is easily ruined by the rain, and that's what makes it so precious."

“That’s so sweet,” Momo sniffled. "To be honest, though if you recited a haiku out of nowhere for me, it would be pretty awkward."

"Make no mistake, it is plenty awkward when Brother does it," Rukia laughed. "Hey, if I need a theater buddy again, I can call you, right?"

"Yes, of course!"

"And you're gonna keep dating, right? If you had a good time with me, think how much more of a good time you'll have when you find the right person!"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will," Hinamori nodded. “I mean, I’m trying to find someone who’s right for me. And you’ve helped me narrow that down, which was really helpful. So, thank you, Rukia.”

Rukia rubbed the back of her neck. "Look, as long as I'm a data point in this experiment of yours, d’you think I could, uh…kiss you?"

Momo's eyes widened. "Uh, sure," she stammered, as she began frantically trying to gather up the napkins all over her lap.

Suddenly, Rukia's hands were on either side of her face, her lips pressed firmly against Momo's own. For a moment, Momo just let herself be kissed, enjoying the feel of being wanted. Then, she remembered her resolve to stand tall, and she kissed Rukia back, turning her sails directly into the wind.

Rukia eventually pulled away, her dark eyes shining. "How was that?"

"Well," said Momo. "I might need to collect more data."

 

* * *

 

Renji lay in bed. He’d had a nice time with a lovely woman who was not at all interested in having a relationship with him. He ought to feel bothered by it, but he really just couldn’t stop wondering how Rukia’s evening had gone.

His soul pager buzzed.

He snatched at it. It was 1:17 am.

“[Waffle emoji], 10am?” the message said.

“[Waffle emoji]  YES,” he texted back immediately.

 

* * *

 

“I would like a stack of waffles as tall as I am,” Rukia informed the waitress.

“That would be three waffles,” Renji clarified. “I would also like three waffles.”

“Whipped cream?” she asked.

“Yes,” they answered in unison.

Rukia sighed, and stretched her legs out across the booth, putting her feet up on his knees. “So, how did yours go?”

“The game was disappointing, honestly. The Firebirds couldn’t put together an adequate--”

“Do not play with me, Abarai.”

“We had an enjoyable time screaming bloody murder as some large men trying to kick a small ball around a field. We drank some terrible beer and ate some questionable sausages.”

“What did she think of your t-shirt situation? Please tell me you unrolled the sleeves.”

“I did not. She liked it just fine, thank you. She’s not too bad looking herself, y’know.”

“Even with the glasses?”

“Glasses are sexy, Rukia.”

“So… are you gonna see her again?” Rukia tried to sound casual and didn’t quite succeed. Nanao was smart and put-together and tough as nails. She and Renji would make a pretty impressive power couple. Rukia wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

“Noooope,” Renji replied. “Turns out,” finger guns, “she’s got a matrilineal curse that’ll likely kill anyone she falls in love with, so she is interested in ‘casual good times’ only.”

“Wow!” Rukia leaned forward. “That is the most metal rejection tactic I’ve ever heard.”

“The curse part was incidental to the rejection, actually. She said that I was too soft for her.”

“You were what now?”

He shrugged. “She didn't think I could handle a friends-with-benefits situation without falling in deep. Eh. She's probably right.”

“That’s horseshit,” Rukia sniffed. “You have a big ol' heart, and you love easily, and that's the best thing about you." She crossed her arms over her chest. "You’re perfect. Her loss.”

Renji ducked his head self-consciously, not realizing how the gesture made it very obvious that his ears were bright red. “I’m done talking about it. What about you? How did your date go?”

“Well,” Rukia stalled, playing with her fork. “She really is pretty cute, you know?”

Renji bobbed his head in general agreement.

“She loved the play. It was a good play. We had a nice time. And we got some food after, and we talked a lot.”

“It sounds like it went really well,” Renji said, simultaneously proud of his own matchmaking skills and horrified that _oh no_ , _Rukia is falling for someone else._ And Izuru might think a small person dating a tall person was cute, but that had _nothing_ on a small person dating an even smaller person.

“Yeah, it went real well until she told me that I was cute and all, but I, uh,  wasn’t what she was looking for.”

Renji’s eyes went wide with genuine horror. “Oh! Oh, no!”

Rukia shrugged, trying to play it off. “It’s fine. She’s being careful with herself and that’s cool. Don't give her a hard time about it, okay?”

“I won't, I promise. So, what _is_ she looking for?”

“I dunno. Maybe someone who’s not a bull in a china shop.” Rukia blew air out of her cheeks.

Renji made a face. “Bulls don’t belong in china shops. If you had a bull, why would you put it in a china shop? That’s just silly. If I had a bull, I would probably take it out to Hueco Mundo, let it run around, me and my bull, just fuckin’ shit up.”

“You’re lost the thread, Abarai.”

“My point is, you’re perfect, too.”

“Thanks.” Rukia rested her cheek in her palm, glumly. “Hey, did Nanao at least make out with you?”

Renji managed to look embarrassed. “Y...es?”

“Oh, thank goodness. Just because I wasn’t what Momo was looking for didn’t mean she wasn’t up for some smooching. I woulda felt bad if I got smooches and you didn’t.”

“I mean, you saw my outfit.”

“Yeah, yeah, I saw it.”

They sighed in unison.

“So, not a total loss, then.”

“Nope, not a total loss.”

The waffles arrived. Some waffle-related activities took up the next few minutes.

“Maybe next time, we should try dating dudes,” Rukia finally suggested around an inappropriately large bite of waffle.

“Who would you date out of the dudes we know?” Renji asked, an even large bite stuffed in his own cheek.

Rukia thought about it. “Hisagi?”

“Hisagi?! Rukia, no. Good gravy, _why?_ ”

Rukia shrugged. “I dunno. I was just thinking that maybe you had a point with that hot dumbass with sunglasses thing. Does he even own a shirt with sleeves?”

Renji looked pained. “You cannot.”

"Why not?"

"Because he'll write an inane song about you. I already have one of the eight songs he's written about Izuru playing in my head at any given time, if I have to listen to him workshop 'Rukia, Rukia, baby, baby, yeah', I swear I will lose the last of my marbles."

"Why are all his Kira songs so good and all his Matsumoto songs so bad?"

Renji narrowed his eyes at her. “I don't know, but one time, Izuru came by my office on business, and without thinking, I sang the opening bars of ‘Here Comes My Gloomy Little Ray of Sunshine’ when he walked in.”

“That’s a catchy one.”

“Your brother was _right there_. I died that day, Rukia. RIP, Abarai Renji.”

“He died as he lived, owning himself in front of a Kuchiki.” Rukia took a sip of her tea. “Well? How about you? Who's it gonna be?”

“Captain Hitsugaya.”

“ _Whaaaaaaaaaat_? Come _on._ ” Rukia frowned. “I didn’t know we could pick captains. Can I change my answer to Captain Mugurama?”

“You may, but only because your first choice was so horrendously bad."

"Also, you answered that really fast."

Renji wiped some waffle around his plate, trying to soak up syrup. "Toushirou’s cute. And he's grumpy,” he pointed out. “And he’s so tiny. Izuru says that when a short person dates a tall person, it’s _adorable_.”

Rukia didn’t even want to contemplate how adorable Renji and Captain Hitsugaya would be together. Why, Captain Hitsugaya would have to stand on a little stool to kiss the big doofus. Oh, no. Oh, no, it was too late, she was contemplating it. “ _Or_ we could just hang out with each other like we always do!” she blurted out frantically.

Renji’s face broke into a relieved smile. “That's a much better idea. Dating is terrible.”

“Awful,” Rukia agreed.

“Hey, there’s a darts tournament down at the Crossed Swords next Saturday,” he suggested. “Do you know how to play darts?”

She held her hands out in a theatrical shrug. “Sounds like I have a whole week to learn.”

“I’ll sign us up.”

“It’s a date.”

 

~ end


End file.
